Duplicate… How often we wish we had two of us for whatever reason.  The external benefits definitely sound tempting, but what about the internal?  Could you handle twice the feelings, emotions, reactions?  The thing is…. I believe we do have two of us.  The ‘us’ we choose to show the general public, and the ‘us’ we show (sometimes unintentionally) to those we would call closest to us.

This post is beginning to frustrate me, because I refused to write it when I was in the thick of several situations the last week or two.  I’m finding I am regretting that decision.  I really could’ve nailed this piece as people showed me their true colors. However, like my usual self, I handled myself quietly and respectfully, despite the backlash of assumptions made.  It’s even taken me three or four days now to hit ‘publish.’

The truth is, I’ve been really happy lately.  It’s partly why coming back to write this piece is so hard…. Under the layers of my happiness though, brood my usual darkness.  Buried. In the pits of my soul, where they belong.  They are a part of me.  Part of what makes me, me, and so is my habit of carrying the weight of other people all at once.

“What if I wanted to break?  Laugh it all off in your face.  What would you do?  What if I fell to the floor?  Couldn’t take this anymore…. What would you do?”

I think a few people, as has been my experience this week, just look at me with wide eyes and go, “Alrighty….,” and then that’s IT, after sharing I was struggling.  Didn’t inquire about me. Check on me. Follow up with me.  But you know what?  They sure did proceed to talk about their problems!  It’s been my experience before too. This wasn’t the first time.  I’ve downright and point blank told someone I was struggling, to have them give me the brushoff, and literally walk away from me.  Told me if I needed them to let them know, RIGHT AFTER I told them I needed them…. Why the fuck did you ask then?

A lot of people would usually tell me, “You just need to tell people like that to fuck off.  You don’t need to put up with that.”  Here’s the thing though… Those giving me that advice so freely, don’t really know me either.  They mean well, yes. I’m not negating that.  But they don’t know me.  That’s not who I am… How I am.  (*Ammends prior statement – I too have said “they need to fuck off!” and meant it…. It’s still good advice!*)

I realized why it’s been hard for me to publish this post, and why I don’t normally push forward with what I want to say, because it’s not my character to talk even this well about myself.  But you know what?  “This is who I really am!”

“I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change.  I know now this is who I really am inside.  Finally found myself, fighting for a chance…. THIS is who I REALLY am!”

I’m the motherfucker who stays quiet because he keeps a secret.  I’m the guy who will drop what he’s doing to give those he cares about his ear and listen to them.  I’m the guy who considers his words before he says them so he doesn’t regret them.

Who the hell are you?

*Hits publish*


Photo 1: Image Essentials Emotion v.2 – Pose 11 (and mirror) @ The Boys of Summer Event (July 16-31st)
Photo 2: an lar [poses] The Oberon Series – Pose 3 @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Photo 2: Thunk! Junk Trash Kit @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)

BRODERICK is wearing:
Suit: Gabriel ::GB:: Vintage Suit (black)
Pants: A&D Pants – Costner @ The Boys of Summer Event
Hair: [^.^Ayashi^.^] Kiyoshi (HUD/Fatpack version) @ The Boys of Summer Event
Tattoo: -Endless Pain Tattoos- Raru @ The Boys of Summer Event
Necklace: !NFINITY Bullet Necklace @ The Boys of Summer Event

Thunk! Junk Trash Kit @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Film Canister @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Beanbag (Midnight and Brown) @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Crate (Blue and Jamaican) @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Floating Deck (Red) @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Projector Cloth @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Vintage Projector @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)

SONG LYRICS and VIDEO credit: Thirty Seconds to Mars – The Kill


8 thoughts on “Tandem

  1. All I can say is…wow. I could just about do the equivalent of a blog in response. This is very thought provoking. We really do have two sides to us. Everyone does. Some more than two o.0. haha
    Anywho…IMHO, I think the two sides are: the side that wants to please others, and the side that wants to please ourselves. Both valid and needed sides to our personalities. Troubles arise however, when the two battle for prominence. To end these internal battles, I usually just own my own feelings as ‘mine’ ( so I can suit myself), while at the same time allowing others to be themselves. This is how I keep my peace. Making a choice at that point to either walk away… or love unconditionally.
    Like Deva, I have to own that “I’m not the person I ought to be”. I fail expectations of myself, and I fail others expectations of me. Therein lies the problem. Expectations. Which by the way, is the title of my next blog. 😉 Using my favorite quote: “Never expect people to be more than they have shown themselves to be. And never expect them to be what you need them to be.” This quote has served me well. It reminds me I have to do what i need to do, and others have to do the same. It’s all about choice… to love them regardless and unconditionally, or to move on quietly and leave them to their lives. We’re all struggling to walk our life’s path, while dragging our baggage through the muck of it. It boils down to the question of what type of baggage the other person is carrying, and will it fit on the path beside mine? Anyway, I’m sorry you had these struggles of late, but am glad you got your ‘happy’ back Broderick. Hang in there hun.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you found it thought-provoking. The take-away any individual can take is always unique and special to them. 🙂 These were just the base thoughts spurred on by a long-time favorite song of mine when I oftentimes felt misunderstood, or like I was surrounded by assumptions. The song itself is often misinterpreted too I found out 🙂 Hugs Nana!


  2. I am going to add another comment here. My first one came straight after reading this, but… I have been reflecting on your blog a lot since. I can’t say that about many blogs, so a HUGE BRAVO for writing something which has provoked deep thought here since first reading it!

    Bear with me though… YOU know me well enough to know my thoughts always tumble out in a jumbled mess. 😉

    I am blessed! I am one of those privileged people who does get to see both sides of you. Just as you have to bear the burden of seeing all sides of my personality too ;P I will be honest… I have seen people take advantage of your good side, your kind and supportive side… and then they throw tantrums on the occasions you do not react in the way THEY want.. THEY demand. It is by no means a reflection of YOU… that is all on them. It’s narcissistic and quite pathetic of them. And yes, YOU know how much it annoys me to see. After all, life is hard enough for all of us,without us having to be at the mercy of the selfish toddler-type behaviour of a few.

    The reason for my second sentence of the first comment here, was that your words tipped me into deep self-reflection. Something that we all ought to do at times. As you know, I am someone who is more liable to think harshly of myself, than to think positively, and so in your words, I could see that maybe there have been times when I have leaned on you at a time when you have been struggling.

    With time and perspective, I can now see that it’s not something I had been doing. How do I know? You and I spent time and sat and talked. You made time to sit with me. You know the things I am battling at the moment, the needs of people I am carrying, those I am supporting… and I know all the things you tell me about too. I don’t think I am speaking out of turn here when I say that if you told me you were struggling, I would drop everything for you. I know you would do the same for me.

    I shouldn’t be annoyed that others can’t be the same way as us. We are both parents and know that listening to and giving to others is something children learn. Maybe some have matured in years, but have not matured in wisdom or social skills.

    I know that I am truly blessed. In you and Ryanna, I know I have two close friends, loved and chosen family who I support and love, and know I am supported and loved in return. It’s balanced, it’s equal. We are simply there to share and enjoy the good times, and the bad. I now get to sit back and grin and enjoy watching the two of you finally having the wonderfully happy life you both deserve together. Goodness knows it took you both a long time and many hardships, but I love to see the smiles you two bring each other. It’s a different focus though.I watch you both, and you are each more occupied with bringing the other one happiness. It’s not at all selfish. You don’t seem to seek to take anything from the other, but devote in giving to each other.

    But I have gone off rambling… how very me! HAHAHA!!

    In short… I see the light and darker sides of you. For some reason, neither you nor I ever put barriers up when we met, we simply got to know the real us… and it has given us some difficult times, but they are HUGELY outweighed by the AMAZING times. You are so close to me as a friend, and very much my chosen and loved and valued family! I LOVE who you are…. all facets to the wonderfulness that is my beloved Nephew! 😀

    Who am I? Not the person I ought to be, BECAUSE I am still growing each day. I am not a finished article yet. But, as YOU know, I am also crazy, smothering, uber-loyal, loving and the proudest Auntie! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Deva. Truly. One thing that I realized as I was writing this piece (which is almost the entire direction this post went) is that sometimes, people will say “Do what makes you happy” but only mean it as far as it applies to how it affects them. Then there’s the entire conversation on assumptions…. 😉

      Back to what I wanted to say though… Thank you for being one who has supported my happiness. Love you.


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