Duplicate… How often we wish we had two of us for whatever reason. The external benefits definitely sound tempting, but what about the internal? Could you handle twice the feelings, emotions, reactions? The thing is…. I believe we do have two of us. The ‘us’ we choose to show the general public, and the ‘us’ we show (sometimes unintentionally) to those we would call closest to us.
This post is beginning to frustrate me, because I refused to write it when I was in the thick of several situations the last week or two. I’m finding I am regretting that decision. I really could’ve nailed this piece as people showed me their true colors. However, like my usual self, I handled myself quietly and respectfully, despite the backlash of assumptions made. It’s even taken me three or four days now to hit ‘publish.’
The truth is, I’ve been really happy lately. It’s partly why coming back to write this piece is so hard…. Under the layers of my happiness though, brood my usual darkness. Buried. In the pits of my soul, where they belong. They are a part of me. Part of what makes me, me, and so is my habit of carrying the weight of other people all at once.
“What if I wanted to break? Laugh it all off in your face. What would you do? What if I fell to the floor? Couldn’t take this anymore…. What would you do?”
I think a few people, as has been my experience this week, just look at me with wide eyes and go, “Alrighty….,” and then that’s IT, after sharing I was struggling. Didn’t inquire about me. Check on me. Follow up with me. But you know what? They sure did proceed to talk about their problems! It’s been my experience before too. This wasn’t the first time. I’ve downright and point blank told someone I was struggling, to have them give me the brushoff, and literally walk away from me. Told me if I needed them to let them know, RIGHT AFTER I told them I needed them…. Why the fuck did you ask then?
A lot of people would usually tell me, “You just need to tell people like that to fuck off. You don’t need to put up with that.” Here’s the thing though… Those giving me that advice so freely, don’t really know me either. They mean well, yes. I’m not negating that. But they don’t know me. That’s not who I am… How I am. (*Ammends prior statement – I too have said “they need to fuck off!” and meant it…. It’s still good advice!*)
I realized why it’s been hard for me to publish this post, and why I don’t normally push forward with what I want to say, because it’s not my character to talk even this well about myself. But you know what? “This is who I really am!”
“I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself, fighting for a chance…. THIS is who I REALLY am!”
I’m the motherfucker who stays quiet because he keeps a secret. I’m the guy who will drop what he’s doing to give those he cares about his ear and listen to them. I’m the guy who considers his words before he says them so he doesn’t regret them.
Who the hell are you?
Photo 1: Image Essentials Emotion v.2 – Pose 11 (and mirror) @ The Boys of Summer Event (July 16-31st)
Photo 2: an lar [poses] The Oberon Series – Pose 3 @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Photo 2: Thunk! Junk Trash Kit @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
BRODERICK is wearing:
Suit: Gabriel ::GB:: Vintage Suit (black)
Pants: A&D Pants – Costner @ The Boys of Summer Event
Hair: [^.^Ayashi^.^] Kiyoshi (HUD/Fatpack version) @ The Boys of Summer Event
Tattoo: -Endless Pain Tattoos- Raru @ The Boys of Summer Event
Necklace: !NFINITY Bullet Necklace @ The Boys of Summer Event
Thunk! Junk Trash Kit @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Film Canister @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Beanbag (Midnight and Brown) @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Crate (Blue and Jamaican) @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Floating Deck (Red) @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Projector Cloth @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
Toro San Jose Vintage Projector @ Indie Teepee (until July 24th)
SONG LYRICS and VIDEO credit: Thirty Seconds to Mars – The Kill